I have a food post on hold that I've been meaning to post for a week, but I've had this on my heart for the past few days. I figured I should speak from my heart first and then the tummy. It has been a rough few weeks in the Fry household. Poor Jason has been so patient and understanding with me. It's that time of year again where I start to regret my decision to put everything off until the last minute. In fact, I still have other things I should be completing right now, but I just can't get this off my mind so here I am. This semester has been particularly work intensive. The good news is I don't have a single final exam, in fact, I barely had any actual tests this semester. In place, I've had lots and lots of projects and papers. I've felt so swamped and overwhelmed the past few weeks there have been moments where I just wanted to crawl into a whole and give up on grad school. Jason has never stopped encouraging and comforting me and I am so grateful. On top of this I am so grateful for the homily from Mass yesterday. I'm pretty sure the priest was speaking directly to me, even though we were sitting in the back of St. Ann's giant church.
The homily centered on how necessary it is we seek out God for our strength. He is our Good Sheppard. Too often we (I) look at my prayer time and other faith centered activities as "just another thing on the to do list" but this is so far from the truth. These moments I devote solely to God are my time to refuel. Through spending time with Him I am better able to see the path I'm on, understand why I am doing all of this, and gain strength for my journey.
I've been fixated on Audrey Assad's song "Restless" lately. I listen to it on repeat as I drive to and from Denton everyday. The lyrics of the song (adapted from St. Augustine) match so well with the readings and homily from yesterday. "I'm restless until I rest in you." This is something I need to constantly remind myself. I have control issues, and I don't like accepting help even when I'm drowning. This trait of mine led me to struggle with one particular line in the song: "Cause I know you're more than my salvation, without you I am hopeless."
Well hold on now Audrey, I am not hopeless. That's a bit harsh don't you think? I mean yeah God is great and provides me with grace and strength to get through my day, but without him I am hopeless? I contemplated this line over and over. And then on Thursday night in the midst of working on one of my projects I broke down. I mean full on I'm done with graduate school kind of break down. I definitely scared my dog and may have made Jason a little worried. I was genuinely hopeless at this point, and I did not turn to God, I begrudgingly finished the work I was doing and went to bed.
At the time I definitely did not think about this song. In fact it was not until Sunday's homily that I started to put it all together. I had gotten so caught up in finishing all my school work that I had neglected to simply ask God for His help. The more I rejected His grace and care, the more I felt like I was losing control. He has offered so much to us, it's hard to grasp it all. We can get so caught up in the rush of life and "doing" things "for" God we forget "Deus pro nobis" God is for us. He has done such great things for us. My prayers and adoration only further lift me up and provide me with the tools I need to continue on.
It has been a humbling week, and I am so thankful for this. I need a humility check right about this time of year. I need to remember that when I reach my breaking point, maybe I should first examine my prayer and faith life. I will probably just play this song over and over for the rest of the week as I finish off my last few papers and projects. In case you're in need of a little reminder of the greatness of God and maybe some beautiful music, here you go: