Maternity Leave is Not a Sabbatical

Today I read an article on the New York Post titled I want all of the perks of maternity leave without having any kids. I can’t even with this article.  At first I was speechless; but that lasted all of 30 seconds while I wiped the angry tears from my eyes.   Then the words wouldn’t stop coming.  After all of the inappropriate words got out of the way, I was left with this word vomit:

 Let’s just start with the title.  I’m sorry, I didn’t realize there were so many “perks” to maternity leave.  The only perk I remember was getting to actually spend a full day, week, with my kids.  And I like to think that it benefitted my children just as much, if not more, than it benefitted me.  Oh, my other favorite perk was the way I bled for 6 weeks straight.  And the way my body would decide to have contractions every once in a while after he was here.  That was super fun.

“…the more I came to believe in the value of a maternity leave – which is, to me, a sabbatical like break that allows women…to shift their focus to the part of their lives that doesn’t revolve around their jobs“

“that socially mandated time and space for self-reflection may never come“

I’m going to start with these incredibly ignorant statements.  For the sake of not hating this woman, I’m going to just chalk it up to, she’s never had children, so she just doesn’t know.  I would never describe maternity leave, or staying at home, as sabbatical like.  I don’t know of many retreats that advertise “sleep deprivation“  “cracked nipples“  “clean up poop“  “listen to crying noises“  as their main selling points.  And unless you count my 3 am half-awake realization that it’s been 3…no 4 days since I last showered, as self-reflection, then no.  Just no.   The most self-reflective thing moms might realize during this time is that they do not want to leave their babies in 12 (or less) short weeks. 

Which leads me to, you want a real maternity leave, then you can’t have that without the maternity return.  So when you’re done with all of your self-reflecting, please continue with your schedule of waking up every three hours…because of course you did this during your fake maternity leave to make it as authentic as possible…and go back to work.  Maintain your previous level of functioning and energy. When you wake up in the morning, be sure to have someone throw milk at your outfit so that you have to change 3 times before you actually leave or just give in and go to work with a milk smudge on your jacket.  In order to plan for this, in addition to your nightly wake up routine you will also be waking up earlier to start getting ready for the day in the morning.  And once you’re at work, make sure that you have something pull on your nipples for 20 minutes 3 times a day.

But wait I’m not even to the hardest part.  After 12 (or less) weeks of being with my new baby who is still pretty much just as dependent on me as when he was born, now I have to leave him with someone else.  Every single day.  No matter how much I trust this person, they are not me.  I am not seeing his sweet eyes or smile when he wakes from a nap.  I am not making sure he gets as much tummy time as I want him to throughout the day.  I am not making sure he is read to or sung to or played with.  Instead, every day I am saying goodbye to him.  Ripping my heart out, trying not to cry.  So I don’t even know how to draw a comparison to this one for you.  I guess just imagine someone stomping on your chest a few times a day. 

And then there’s this, “I couldn’t help but feel envious when parent son staff left the office at 6 p.m. to tend to their children, while it was assumed coworkers without kids would stay behind to pick up the slack. “  I can’t speak for your coworkers, but I can speak for myself and the countless other working moms I know, and this is a bunch of BS.  I put in my time and I work my behind off to make sure that I am always caught up, always getting my work done before deadlines, always staying focused, trying to minimize times of distraction so that I can leave on time.  Not so others can pick up my slack.  I know moms who show up to work an hour before everyone else in order to have more time with their children in the evening.  I know moms who take short, or no, lunch breaks so that they can leave on time.  You know what, you can do this too.  Please leave at 6pm.  But I better not see you on your phone or taking extended breaks or wasting time away, because I know that’s what I’m doing, so that I can maximize the tiny bit of awake time I have with my children in the afternoon.

There is much more.  So much more.  I am offended by pretty much everything she said in this article.  I hope this article gets backlash.  It is offensive to working moms everywhere.  But I have to stop here because my lunch break is over and I have to go back to my job now. 

 

Panini 3 & 4 & 5 Months

How Old?

5 months! 

Height/Weight?

At 4 months he was in the 90th percentile for height and 75th percentile for weight.  I have not measured him since then. 

Baby Clothes:

He can kind of squeeze into 3-6 month clothes and sometimes I put him in 3 month pants and he looks like a hipster with his skinny jeans on.  He is definitely most comfortable in 6 months clothes.

Milestones:

Let's see let's see, since turning 2 months until now, Panini has rolled over once front to back.  He gets so so close to doing it again every time he is on his tummy, but hasn't rolled over since the one time.  We were all super excited though.  Even Zilla celebrated his accomplishment and then showed him over and over how to roll.

Sometimes my mommy anxiety creeps up on me wondering why he isn't consistently rolling over yet.  I know all kids hit milestones at different times; but I let myself go to places like, well if I was home with him he wouldn't be stuck in a swing all day and would have more playtime on the floor.  But it's not something I can control, so I have to try and not worry too much about it.  Or bury my worries, as to not drive hubskie crazy.

Panini will scoot himself in a little circle while on the floor.  If I prompt him with a little push he will roll all the way over from back to front and front to back.

Hand eye coordination continues to improve.  He can now pass his toys from one hand to another.  He is also better about holding onto us as we carry him in our arms.  I love sweet little baby hugs!

He can reach for and grab his toes.

His grip is getting stronger and he will grab onto our fingers and pull himself up to a sitting position.  If he is in his bouncer we often see him trying to sit himself up.  He's also got a milking motion down with his hands.  When he is hungry he'll start to milk our fingers and then when he latches on his little hands go to work helping express milk.

Panini finally started to take the bottle about 2 weeks before turning 4 months old.  Though, I think he drinks the minimum amount and then takes advantage of having the fresh milk all night long (see below).

We celebrated Panini's conception day between months 3 and 4!  Happy you're alive day, baby!

Baby's Routine:

We're still pretty lax with this.  He just eats when he wants, sleeps when he wants, and plays when he wants.  It makes the days less stressful than trying to adhere to a strict schedule. Especially with an active older brother who only needs one nap time a day.

Panini usually naps in his bouncer during the day if we are at home.  If we are on the go he'll nap in a carrier.

For a couple of weeks before turning 4 months, he was sleeping through the night or only waking once at about 3 or 4.  More recently, he is back to waking every 3 or so hours during the night.  His congestion is so so bad and when we try to lay him down flat, he will start to choke on drainage, so he often sleeps in bed with us.  He will finally sleep next to me too, so Hubskie and I switch off cuddling with him at night after each feeding. 

My goal for the next month is to really get him transitioned to a crib for all at home naps and bedtime.  They mentioned at school they are going to start training on him at this as well, but I know they use CIO methods, which I don't exactly love.  So it's my motivation to use my own gentle method at home sooner rather than later.

Favorite food:

He's still exclusively drinking Mama's milk.  We will start solids either this or next month, depending on Panini's signs.  I am wanting to do baby led weaning this time around rather than starting with the cereals and purees.

Panini recently started getting distracted easier while feeding.  It's actually an adorable stage.  He's most distracted by me looking at him.  If I look at him and smile while he's eating, he'll let go and give me the biggest smile and start talking. I love it. 

Favorite Activity:

He enjoys laying on his play mat and watching the bird mobile spin. He also loves playing with his brother.  He reserves his biggest laughs for when his brother is acting silly.

We recently discovered that he thinks it is very funny to watch Boots play fetch.

 

Panini and I spend lot of time snuggling in the evenings using the wraps and recently the Ergo so I can hold him and cook at the same time.  I am super excited that he is big enough for this now.  While the wraps are more comfortable and snugglier, the Ergo is much easier and we are getting pretty good at nursing in the Ergo too. Which means I can grocery shop and nurse at the same time!  What?!  Super helpful. 

Favorite toy:

Panini really likes chewing on his Sophie giraffe and playing with the little taggie blanket we have.

Big Changes:

Pretty much how I feel about going back to work

Since our last post, I have gone back to work.  It has been a very difficult transition.  Panini refused to take the bottle for the first few weeks, but has gotten much better about this.  I think (know) the transition has been harder on me than on Panini. He's pretty easy going and the daycare ladies seem to really like him.  But momma misses him and his brother all the time.  People questioned my decision to forgo a lunch break to go feed him everyday, but even with him getting better with the bottle, I still go up there because I love getting to hold him. 

I have good and bad weeks with this.  Honestly, the hardest weeks are when we hit a new month.  He's officially 5 months old now, which means I feel like I have missed out on 2 months of his life.  I know it's not true, and that I am still here and experiencing all of his growing, but I just want to be with him (and his brother) more.  I think I've told a few people that I know being home wouldn't be all roses and rainbows, but I would have more opportunities to show them love and create positive memories.  There are some nights when Zilla is in a bad mood, or mommy is in a bad mood, and it just seems like we don't have a single positive interaction the whole day.   And that makes me filled with sadness.   If our time together was longer, we would certainly have bad moments and bad days but we would have more time to say I'm sorry and reset throughout the day.  Okay, I know I'm going into mopey land and not even talking about Panini anymore, but the work change has been the biggest change and I still don't feel like I'm adjusting to it terribly well. Usually I feel like I am hanging onto a very thin rope.
I am grateful to have coworkers and even a manager who is very supportive, loving, and understanding with all the emotions I have going on.    

Zilla and Panini:

On a less womp womp note, Panini has started the rudimentary stages of really playing with Zilla.  They play little Peekaboo games and the other day Panini started to grab Zilla's hand when he was trying to read him a book and it became a game of Zilla holding out his hand and Panini trying to grab it before Zilla pulled it away again.  They were both caught up with the giggles.  It was such a precious moment.

 

Zilla also likes to make sure Panini has plenty of things.  I often find him covered in toys or with Tupperware in his pack n play, because why not?

And more pictures from the past 3 months, just because there definitely aren't enough in this post already.  We love you little Panini!

Happiest 5 months, smiley bug!  The Vrlyfries