3 Years

It’s our three year anniversary! Three years ago we said yes to the vocation of Marriage and continue to say yes every day.   This is just going to be a short post to tell you all and especially my hubskie how much I appreciate everything he is.   So hubskie, while we were working on our list for Aidan’s 2 year birthday together, I was also working on my own list for you.  One for each month of our last year together (in no particular order).

1)      I love the way you smile at me in the mornings.  Usually I just get a glimpse out of my peripheral vision, but I see it and it means so much to me.

2)      I love the way you are patient with my impatience.  Sometimes I think I spend all of my patience with my clients at work and then I come home and have only a small amount left which is probably spent on our little Zilla.  So hubskie, thank you for being there for me when my patience is not being kind to you (or to myself).

3)      Thank you for reminding me to pray.  I am a worrier and you have a way of gently reminding me that if I am going to worry then I should also pray, because it is far more productive. 

4)      I love the way you adore my idiosyncrasies.  I have a lot of them, and you don’t get mad at me, so I appreciate that

5)      I love the way you care for our son.  I think we make a great parenting team.

6)      I love the way you make me laugh.  Thank you for your humor.

7)      I am grateful that you are so good at going shopping with me.  My whole closet would consist of clothes from my college years if not for you. 

8)      I am also grateful that you make delicious food for us and with just enough nagging from me have found a lovely balance of tasty and nutritious  

9)      I love the way you sing “Blue Eyes Crying in the Rain” to Zilla when he is crying and it always calms him down.

10) I love the way you dislike surprises.  So much so that you can't keep surprises or gifts from me.  This often results in early birthday/Christmas presents, of which I am a fan.  Also, I just generally find it amusing.  Though impressively you did surprise me at our engagement.

11) I am constantly impressed by your ability to memorize movie lines after only seeing the movie once.

12) It's hilarious to me how sports announcers always repeat what you have just said about the game or player or completely random off hand comment.  They're listening. 

Here's to year four and many more.

XOXO

The Vrlyfries

Vrlyfry-day: Week 1

I'm taking a page (or 52)  from my sister's blog and plan on taking a picture a day for the next year. Hence the name of this series of posts...Vrlyfry-day is the day you get to stop by and see a little glimpse into our day to day.  As you may well know, 1 picture a day is really not going to be much of a challenge for me, but I'm trying to revive the blog and rarely find myself with time to sit down and write a long post with updates. My hope is for this to  be a good way to keep our friends and family, who don't live near by, "in the know" about the happenings with the Vrlyfries. And, to be honest, I like a place I can go back to and remember all the fun we have as a family; even if it's not some major moment, we are blessed in the mundane.

 

Let us begin! This week will be short as I plan on uploading the previous week's happenings on Sunday.   

 

 

Day 1:  January 1st is the Feast of the Solemnity of Mary.  We went to an evening Mass and had one of Zilla's best attendance to date!

 

 

Day 2: Zilla and hubskie had the day off today but mommy had to work. They were nice enough to come visit me and are officially the favorite people I've ever had in my office.

 

 Day 3: While not quite warm, today was the first day in a while with sun and temperatures above 50, so we took advantage with a family walk.

 

 

Day 4: We made our way back to Coppell today to go to Mass where we were married. Our 3 year anniversary is this week and I love going back to where our family started. We missed going last year due to me being sick. This is a picture from our rehearsal, our 1 year anniversary, and this year!

The Guiltiest of Mommy Guilt

Mommy guilt.  We've all heard of it and if you're a mom, it's likely you've experienced it at one time or another.  It makes you question your ability to parent and can quickly make you feel like you are sinking in the vast hole of "not good enoughs".  But there's a different kind of mommy guilt that many women experience for months to years at a time; postpartum depression.  If you've ever read a new mom book, or pamphlet from your doctor, or  "20 things to know after giving birth" blog it's probably mentioned there and sounds a little something like this:

"Your hormones will be everywhere.  You will probably cry. A lot. It's normal. But if you feel like you are crying more than normal talk to your doctor, it may be postpartum depression and that's okay too."

Ummm...what?  I appreciate the "that's okay too" portion of this often watered down message, but you just said it's normal to cry so don't worry about it but also maybe you're not normal so if you can discern between the two, while also being sleep deprived, then at some point down the road maybe talk to your doctor.  

I remember during my first couple of months with Zilla, I would come across a blog about mommy guilt and I would hope to read something to make me feel normal or connected to these women who were writing.  But then they talked about all the guilt they felt because they didn't make their baby's food from organic fresh vegetables like Pinterest told you to.  And all I could think was the guilt I felt when another new mom would talk to me about how "absolutely wonderful it is! Isn't it?!" and all I wanted to do was run away and hide.  Or the guilt I felt when my first few hours away from Zilla I started crying because I felt guilty about not missing him, because that's the way I had been told I was supposed to feel.  Or the guilt I felt after I ran into the bathroom and screamed louder than I knew was possible and punched the wall.  That's the guilt I felt, but no one was writing about it.

And I get it.  It's taken me a year after lifting from my fog to sit down and feel comfortable sharing this story.  Well, comfortable may even be a stretch.  But I know a lot of new moms to be and while I pray it's not the journey you take, if it is, I want you to know you are more than okay; you are not alone. 

I'm not going to sit here and tell you how to diagnose yourself with PPD, because I'm not a professional in that area.  Rather I'm going to encourage every mother to talk to your doctor about the emotions you are experiencing.  Whether they are happy or sad.  Talk.  No more asking, "are the emotions I'm feeling significant enough to bring it up?" Yes. The unfortunate reality is that many doctors will even give you the same answer you'll find in the blogs "it's normal but if it's not then let me know."  I remember going into my 2 week check up prepared to talk to my OB about how I was feeling when the nurse asked me in the middle of the populated hallway "are you experiencing postpartum depression" right after asking me if my bleeding had stopped, as if it was just one more thing on the checklist and I would have no problem not only knowing if "yes I have diagnosed myself with a mental illness" but announcing it to every other person sitting in the hallway.  Needless to say, I shut down and never brought it up.  

So what to do if your doctor is no help?  My second suggestion is to talk to your significant other, family, and/or close friends about the emotions you are experiencing.  Again, happy or sad.  Even better, talk to them now (if you're still pregnant) about signs you might want them to look for and how they can best help you if they are worried about you.  You're in a better place now to make this decision than when you're a new mom and someone is telling you, "hey, you should see a counselor" instead they can say, "hey, remember when we talked about this before?  Maybe we can go together and just get everything checked out."  They will be an excellent objective gauge of your normal.  I think this is what got me through my stage.  Hubskie knew something wasn't right and, more importantly, knew that I was not going to ask for help.  So he called on our troops and they came a running.  I think there was maybe one day a week where I didn't have someone come by to spend time with Zilla and me.  And slow day by slow day and long month by long month we got through it.  Looking back, I 100% believe I should have talked with a professional because there were a lot of lingering issues I dealt with up until about 9 months.  And even writing this post now there's a tear drop or two that will fall every now and then.  

If the idea of talking to those close to you makes you squirm or you are simply feeling alone, reach out to a counselor or even to me!  I'm happy to hold another mom's hand, even if it's virtually, as you get the help that is available.  

I think more than anything what I want whoever is reading this and crying or sighing with the relief of camaraderie, is to know that PPD does not mean you love your son or daughter any less.  This was always my fear and so I always felt I had to prove otherwise.  But even when I wasn't happy I was so in love.  I know this because I never ceased to try breastfeeding when it was hard, never stopped swaddle/sush/sway/sucking instead of letting him cry it out, never stopped waking up at 2 am to feed him again, never stopped reveling in those moments where he smiled (and I smiled!) and never stopped trying.  You'll find your "never stopped" too.  You'll experience those authentic moments of joy and love for your baby that no one could ever understand.  They may be different than mine,  but just find it and hold onto it.  Even if it's as simple as you never stopped breathing.  Good for you, you made it another day, now give someone a call. Because I do not doubt that you love your child as much as the mom who breastfeeds while leading the yoga group in the park and neither should you. You are a great mom! 

Here's the article (also this website is full of resources) I read that sparked me wanting to write about this.  When I read it, it was the first time I truly felt I was not alone in the experiences I had. 

And here's mine, taken on Mother's Day

“When this picture was taken I was experiencing postpartum depression. You can’t tell by looking, but I spent most of my first mother's day looking for places to be alone so that I could cry and trying to will myself to put on a smile for a few more hours.” 

Know that it will lift, especially with self care and possibly treatment.  Know that it will not ruin your relationship with your child.  Zilla and I are besties these days and there's no looking back!

Version 1.5

Y'all, Zilla is 18 months old.  I am blown away at how fast the last 6 months have gone.  I mean seriously, I still look back at pictures of his birthday party as though it was yesterday.  I would say without a doubt the past 6 months have gone by faster than the first or second 6 months of Zilla's life.  Now, granted, the first 6 months was filled with screaming and crying and not sleeping (am I talking about me or Zilla?  I'll never tell...but probably both). So I'm not surprised that the first third of his life sometimes felt like it would never end.

But gosh, 18 months?  He is officially growing too fast.  The other day someone pointed out that he doesn't look like a baby anymore and looks more like a little boy.  I think it was meant as a compliment, but also it made me cry.  I read his baby books to him and right when I get to the punch line about "I'll love you forever" or "You changed me for the better" or "wherever you go my love will find you" I. Can't. Squeak the words out through my sobbing.  Hubskie thinks I'm little bizarre, but I get more and more emotional each day about him getting older.  Which is an issue, as he also gets older each day.

Okay, so what to do for the 18 month old post?  Well, I'm going to try to avoid much therapy/Scottish Rite talk because that's all I've written about lately and ultimately, that is just one part of Zilla's life.  He is a growing (have I mentioned that?) boy with so many facets to his sweet little self.  So let us begin:

Favorites

Doll: One day I decided to move all of Zilla's dolls to his top shelf of his closet because he never touched them and they were taking up space in our living room.  The next morning when I woke him he started to panic and point frantically at the corner of the shelf.  Bewildered, I went over and picked up the bear he appeared to be pointing towards and handed it to him. He grabbed the bear, squeezed it, and kissed it.  Zilla and Brown Bear have been besties since.

Book:  Zilla has really started to enjoy reading books with us.  He's not as interested in the ones with lots of words.  But enjoys books with lots of pictures, some basic words he can understand, and items he is familiar with.  As it turns out, he does enjoy the book Brown Bear, but it is not his favorite.  

The Ball Bounced might be the most boring book ever written.  But don't tell Zilla that.  To him it is a literary masterpiece.  And I read it to him at least 3 times a day.  And by read I mean recite, because it has been memorized.  The other day I sang the words to the tune of "Favorite Things".  That helped a little. 

Activity: Going outside.  Zilla is an outdoorsy kind of kid.  He loves being outside whether it is going for walks or going to the park.  This is a lot of fun for mommy who also likes to stay active. 

Toy:  Balls balls and more balls.  Zilla loves to throw, kick, roll, and carry every ball.  In fact, it has become an issue with therapy (ahhh I'm breaking my promise) because there's a large ball pit in the room where we have his sessions and he could not be less interested in the therapy activities.  But it is incredibly adorable because he is just so happy playing in there. 

Food:  Bananas.  If this was one week ago I would have said crackers or bananas.  But bananas have won out.  Most days he eats at least two bananas.  I make regular runs to the grocery store to stock up because heaven help us if we run out of "nanas" when this child wants one. 

Game:  Peek-a-boo.  This one never gets old.  Just evolves to wandering around the house and having mommy jump out from behind corners and doors

Chore:  I love how much joy Zilla gets out of being helpful.  He just wants to participate in everything.  Please let this stick around.  Right now his favorite thing is throwing away trash (or "gah" as he says it).  Luckily he's pretty good at distinguishing between what is and isn't actually trash.

Moments: It's just not even possible to narrow this one down.  So this is the 14 things, short clips version:

1. Zilla tried to do burpies with mama and do the "Thriller" dance

2. Zilla cannot contain his excitement over seeing dada when he got home

3. If hubskie or I aren't there, every few minutes he will ask where the other half is.  He just know that it's best when we're all together.

4. Zilla has a step in our house where he goes to eat his banana and crackers

5. Zilla's first horse ride

6. The way Zilla's eyebrows raise when he sings

7. Zilla singing wheels on the bus and loving the "babies on the bus go wa-wa" verse
8. The first time Zilla folded his hands during prayer time and tried to do the sign of the cross (heart melting)
9. The way he picks up the picture of us at his baptism and every morning and tells us that ma-ma and da-da are in the picture

Added by Hubskie (his version of a guest blog):

10. Playing football with Da-Da. I don't know if he will ever get a chance to play the sport, but Da-Da will always be his biggest fan regardless. 
11. Aidan climbing into a diaper box. And being angry when he can't get out.

12. Aidan playing on a treadmill

13. Aidan going to put on his cowboy hat before bedtime. 

 

14. How the word "pasta" is always said in a whisper, and it's the only word he whispers. As if it's just the best thing ever and if he mentions it too loudly it might cease to exist.

 

Struggles:

1. Mass.  Turns out Mass isn't made for wiggly kids.  I went alone a couple of weeks ago and had this huge moment where I realized I had forgotten how beautiful the Mass is.  Don't get me wrong, I love that we all go to Mass together, and taking Zilla up with us to communion is still a favorite, but gosh it is so hard to be totally present when I'm mostly just trying to find a new way to distract him or keep him from touching all over the other parishioners.  

A friend of ours who has a kid who sits so well during Mass suggested that we trying sitting in front so that Zilla could see what was going on and have something to pay attention to.  I thought this was a great idea until I remembered that Zilla can't even pay attention to a cartoon much less find a church service interesting. Unfortunately, I did not remember this until after we had made the "walk of shame" up and down the aisle three times carrying a screaming child.

 

2. Stubborn.  My child is stubborn.  Like, whoa.  
 

3. Zilla's friendly pat can often be mistaken as hitting.  His cousin unfortunately takes the brunt of this one.  The concept of "gentle" just hasn't quite set in.  

The neighbor's cat also knows the feeling

 

Reese is just not going to handle it anymore

4. Similarly, Zilla isn't so much into sharing right now.  He's more into not sharing. 

None so pleased with his toy being used by someone who is not Zilla

 5. One of the things I love the most about him, his adventurous spirit, combined with his stubbornness can often result in some issues.  Like: no you cannot stand on the rocking chair.  And no, stop climbing up and standing on the table.

Joys:
Every moment and memory since 1.5 years ago.
 

Woohoo!  We did it!  We made it 18 months and they just keep flying by.  Feel free to slow down any day now, Zilla.  I love you to the moon and back!

 

Zillupdate 2

Time for another update on our little man and the going ons around here.

Major Happenings:

We have another little one added to our cousin clan.  We are so pleased to welcome Baby John.  He is truly the sweetest little baby.  I’ve only heard him cry once and even his cry is precious.  I’m sure his parents have heard him cry more, but in my experience with him oh. My. Gosh. Presh.

Zilla is not so sure about all of this.  He has a little jealous bug and if hubskie or I are holding the new little man, he starts to climb up our legs and bounce.  Also, while the newbie was napping he tried to hit his swing with a stick.  We’re going to need to work on this if there are more small fries in our future.

Maybe act a little more like this....


And a little less like this...


Little Reese’s Pieces has turned 1!  How wonderful it has been to be so close to her as she has grown this past year.  It has been a true blessing going through the adventure of new motherhood with my sister.  It has also been wonderful to watch Reese and Zilla grow up together and how their interactions have changed from sitting and staring at one another to fighting over toys.  Little Reese, I just want you to know that I love to watch you stand your ground with Zilla when he tries to take things from you.  You are one smart cookie.

Any day now we will add another new cousin to Zilla's clan on hubskie's side!  We are so very excited to have a new baby to hold in Houston!

Therapy update

Zilla continues to make progress in therapy.  I think the most excited I have been with a new “milestone” was watching Zilla choose to use his left hand to feed himself with a spoon (though messily).  It told me that maybe all this therapy and stretching is doing something.  Although, I have to say I think he is catching on to us when we try to encourage him to use his left hand or try massaging/stretching it while he’s doing other activities.  He will pull it away more and become upset when I place items in that hand rather than his right.  Right now, he’s still pretty cooperative with his therapists.

With his life skills or speech therapy,  I've finally started to feel like I am clear on our goals with this therapist.  For a while I had a harder time putting into action what we are doing at therapy, but she has recommended some activities and we are doing our best to put them into play at home.  This therapy has taught me that Zilla has a pretty low frustration tolerance.  When he has trouble getting a puzzle or shape sorter right away, he will throw the item or start to screech.  I can't decide if this is related to his CP or if he just inherited this trait from his momma.

  Zilla’s vocabulary has increased some and I don’t know if it’s a product of therapy or just growing.  Either way it is so cute to hear him say “nana” (banana) “Cacka” (cracker) “shee” (cheese) "ffffu" (fruit) “uh oh” and “boo” (boots).  There are others and his receptive language is also making leaps and bounds…although his ability to understand is a different thing than his willingness to listen (aka he might understand please be patient, but patience is not his top quality). 

We have also been trying to work on Zilla's fits.  He can throw a tantrum to challenge a well seasoned two year old's.  It seems that it is usually due to a break down in communication and he decides that crying will get him whatever he wants.  This cannot become a habit.  We've had to start "Time Outs" or "Together Time" where Jason or I will take him to a quiet room and sit with him until he is ready to communicate more calmly.  This can take a couple minutes to multiple times in a row.  

Sometimes I can become very overwhelmed when it seems as though we are having a day filled with tantrums.  Nevertheless, it is amazing how bed time will come along and we all say our prayers together, he cuddles into my chest, and I choke back tears singing him to sleep because my heart cannot contain the joy he brings to our family. 

Ways we have tried to enact some of the exercises at home: 
 Up until about a month ago I found the easiest way to encourage him to use his left hand was to hold his right hand while walking around. If he insisted that I hold his left hand while walking, I’d take that opportunity to do some stretches and massages on his hand. I’m sure I have, on more than one occasion, looked entirely ridiculous squatting and waddling down the street with him moving his arm around.  But then it happened, he became more independent with walking, and gosh has it made it harder to do therapy.  We're actually having to do some of the activities we do with the therapist and toys.  He doesn't like sitting still much, which can make these activities challenging.  But we are doing our very best.  Below are some videos of our therapy attempts.

This is me guiding him around the kitchen keeping hold of his right hand.

Go Zilla Go!  Use that left hand!

We are teaching him some signs to help with communication until he starts using more words.  His favorite sign is "help"   For example, "help, I would like to touch the electrical outlet."  Um. No. 

This game forces Aidan to use his left hand in order to pull the blocks apart.  Oddly enough, he finds this very satisfying.

Zilla also loves this exercise for his core strength:

One of his favorite fine motor toys is a ball and hammer game.  We have a couple of variations at our house but I never remember to video him playing with it.  The real challenge is that he will usually use his right hand to pick up and place the ball as well as hammer.  He has even picked up two balls at a time with his right hand in order to avoid using his left.  He is not impressed when I try to hold his right hand and force the use of his left. 

Another fine motor activity we do is putting coins and buttons into his piggy bank.  This one encourages his pincer grasp.  It's one of the areas he struggles most with on his left hand so I don't make him do it too often because he becomes frustrated very fast. 

The life skills therapist has really encouraged us to use games that are closed ended in order to help with Aidan's patience and attention span. For example, doing shape puzzles, stacking cups, or shape sorters where there is a definite end to the game.  We have to say things like "okay, mommy's turn to do this one (aka Zilla refuses to do this one) and then Zilla's turn" and "first put the last piece in and then we can go play with the ball."  I haven't gotten any "successful" videos of these because they are his least favorite activities.

For Gross motor skills we mostly rely on our outings to the park.  We encourage Zilla to crawl up the slide, stairs, and through the tunnels to give his hand some weight-bearing exercises.

Most of the time our home therapy looks a little something like this:

Other news:
Zilla "ran" his first 5k!  One day I just decided I wanted to run one with him and signed us up for a race about two weeks out.  He did great and didn't even get fussy during the 30ish minute trek.  Zilla and mommy came in 16th in mommy's age group (out of about 40).  Not bad for first race back in the game + a stroller in tow.   Hubskie also came out to support us and cheer us on as we crossed the finish line.  This was AMAZING of him and so helpful

And now for an un-sponsored shout out (because my 30 person readership does not warrant any sponsors)...

We bought BooginHead Squeez'Ems a couple of weeks ago and they're my new favorite thing.  I initially bought them because Zilla's daycare said that once he transitions to the toddler classroom he will have to feed himself completely and if I intend on continuing to bring his own food, such as applesauce or yogurt, he would have to use the spoon himself.  Just review the video above, his right hand is not that much better.  Onto plan B, Squeez'Ems!

I know you can buy pre-filled pouches at the store, but now I get to choose what to put in them.  We have put yogurt, applesauce, and even oatmeal in them.  It's such an easy and far less messy on the go snack.  I think this product could generally be useful to kids who have trouble with utensils. Also, this brand is surprisingly easy to fill because the top comes off for a bigger opening.  I only wish it held a little more.

We had Zilla’s MRI today.  We had to head back to Scottish Rite, even though the original plan was to have the MRI on June 24th at Children's in Plano.  There was some mix up with insurance and our PCP, so we moved it back to good ole Scottish Rite. 

For some reason, Zilla woke up at about 4:45 am the morning of the MRI.   He went back in forth between crying and sleeping while being rocked. This really threw a wrench in our groove, but we rolled with it.  He was going to be fussy either way.  We gave him his last sip of water at 5:55 am and then had to cut him off from all liquids and solids.   He had a rough time all morning; being deprived from his favorite activity, eating, and all.  But with a little magic from daddy, we did get a few moments of peace in too.

Since Zilla was in such a bad mood over all of this, they had to give him Versed in order to help calm him down so that they could take his vitals.  This is basically a Benzodiazepine...aka, my baby was drunk.  I was a little nervous about this.  I don't really love even giving Zilla Tylenol, but it did help him forget about his extreme hunger and exhaustion.  Also we got this silly video of him being all loopy.

They had originally told us that only one of us could go back into the MRI room with Aidan.  After some discussion we decided that it would be best for hubskie to go as he was more likely to be emotionally stable; I was more likely to break down crying.  Although, I only cried twice today, and considering I cry during sappy commercials, this is quite a victory!   But then they took little man back without either one of us going with him. I was a little put off, but they recommended we go to the cafeteria to help pass the time.  This was a good suggestion and we ate some grub and momma drank some coffee while we waited.

Altogether he was in the back for about 45 minutes.  When they wheeled him out I was just all over the place with emotion.  My first thought was actually, "ET?"  And my second thought was, "okay can I hold him now?"  He was shivering and groggy and when he came out of it, boy was he cranky.  Rightfully so.  His head probably felt funny and he was super hungry.  

I firmly believe nothing can prepare a parent for moments like these.  You just want to take away any and all discomfort. 

He sucked down two bottles of pedialite and then started drinking some milk.  They cleared him for discharge and we headed out the door. 

By the time we made it outside, Zilla wasn't crying anymore so we walked around Scottish Rite's new all abilities playground.  It was really very neat!

Oh hey wheelchair ramp play structure! 

Once momma and Zilla got home he was starting to feel more like himself.  We played with the red ball Scottish Rite had given him for being so brave.

And of course, we ate some grub! 

We will receive a phone call in the next couple of days with the results. 

All in all, things are pretty blessed around here as we continue to run this beautiful race! 

That's all for now, 
The Vrlyfries